"HAMHOCK" and other things you don't use to describe a pregnant woman

I can’t believe I forgot to share this gem of a story with so many of you. Justin will probably hate me for sharing but I’m going to claim pregnancy crazy and totally get away with it. Love you dear.

Not too long ago my dearest husband was busy complimenting me on my new derriere.  When I say complimenting what I really mean is using words that should have never come out of his mouth had he truly valued his life. God love him, he had good intentions it’s just sometimes men….well their brains don’t function AT ALL. So as I’m lying there in bed watching TV he looks at my rear and exclaims “it’s a HAMHOCK”. Immediately 14 different shades of you’re going to die flash across my face. I calmly say “What the HELL did you just say?” So again (having no regard for his life) he says “it’s a hamhock!”. Ok guys, when your wife/girlfriend/significant other asks you to repeat yourself that’s your chance at redemption if you don’t take it you might as well just retire to the guest bedroom because you’ll be staying there for awhile.

Let me clear something up:

The definition of hamhock, courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

hamhock
	Any appendage of an over weight person.

The fun doesn't stop there folks, nope. A couple days later he grabs my butt (this is totally appropriate for all of our parents reading because at this point..ya know being pregnant and what not, they know what goes on) and says gleefully, "it's a whole handful!". I'm certain at this point he knows I'm plotting his death by pillow in the middle of the night. (disclaimer: totally not planning to kill my husband I need someone to help me change diapers and pay for daycare)

So last night we had to have a 101 on what not to say to your pregnant wife if you ever plan on getting any ever again. I think he understood, he explained that he's a man and doesn't really know what the right thing to say is. So now when I make any mention of my growing body he asks for multiple choice answers for his reply. I still love him despite his obvious lack of instincts to live. What he meant to say was "your butt looks fantastic in those jeans darling, what can I bring you from the kitchen?" and I know that.